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The Gargoyles of December
Hollywood Milieu ©2002
By Denny Dormody
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| Some assistant to the director is shuffling some people
into the background. The deep background. This is Charlies Angels
2. Shooting here today and in your multiplexes for Summer 2003. We
started lining up and having our wardrobe checked and makeup touched
up, well before dawn. This is Sony Studios in LA. |
| This is about four sound stages from where those M-G-M
munchkins danced with Dorothy on the yellow-brick road. I sure donÕt
feel like dancing. After almost 14 hours I'm dragging derriere. So
are 350 of my fellow movie-extra actors and actresses. Extra. That's
LA speak for a non-talking role. This is how I eat as I wait for those
Hollywood moguls to buy my comedy screenplays. |
| Now Charlies Angels are parading into Grauumn's Chinese
theatre. We're cheering. The Paparazzi are as thick as flies. Golden
confetti is showering down from two rocket cannons. Our real-life
goddesses Cameron Diaz, Drew Barrymore and Lucy Lieu are providing
the fun and the eye candy. |
| Then it happened. Suddenly, there's a rather unattractive
extra, close to the Angels. Matter of fact, there's two unattractive
extras. Cut. Reset. Not to worry. The assistant director discreetly
moves Quasimodo and his girl friend back a few feet. Like maybe twenty
feet. In their place he moves two less disturbing faces. The new-old
faces are closer to a cover of Cosmo or GQ than the cover of shall
we say, PETS R US. My set-buddy on this gig is a beautiful aspiring
actress. I'll call her Kristen. "What are they doing?" she whispers.
"Their shuffling gargoyles" I whisper back. |
| God forbid the great-unwashed world-wide multi-lingual
audience chomping on their popcorn next summer would see someone,
shall we say pug-ugly standing next to our beloved Charlies Angels.
Gosh those devoted movie fans may not be able to handle that reality
and be so offended to see someone like themselves on-screen, they
may not buy: a third bag of that $5.95 sleeping bag sized buttery
popcorn, those Cheddar-dripping Nachos for $3.95 or maybe that $ 4.25
oil-drum of Diet-Anything to wash it all down. |
| Gosh those mouth-breathing ticket-buyers may also be
in such shock when they return home to their caves after the flick,
that they don't tell their friends to go to the movie! Gosh, or maybe
not buy the video! Or worse, not watch it on cable! Or God forbid,
not buy the DirectorÕs cut of the DVD at only $29.95! |
| Rolling. Speed. Camera. Action. The recycled tons of
golden confetti begin to Monsoon again down on the cast. The Angels
smile. The paparazzi are popping. Cut. Reset. Another gargoyle has
surfaced next to the stars. Take 5. Take 12. Then the final shot.
Cut. Check the gate. It's a wrap. After 16 hours, there is a God.
You know, in spite of the gargoyles amongst us, I think Kristen and
I may have actually made the final cut. I guess we'll know for sure,
next summer. |
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